Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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