I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
