If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
