at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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