I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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