my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
