Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
