I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Farmville is her only friend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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