I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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