How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
