I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
