Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
