I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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