i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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