it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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