I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
