How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
