last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
