I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wear drunk well.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
