rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
