the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
