Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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