if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
