It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
