dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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