Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
