I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
