I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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