There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
