the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
