remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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