i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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