dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
