I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
