Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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