as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
