I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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