Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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