Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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