One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
