I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
