You just made me feel so damn special
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
