I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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