the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
