but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
