I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
