i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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