Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
