He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
