I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
